So I’ve been reading this book called The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand which, according to its blurb, is about a groundbreaking philosophy, Objectivism. I am ashamed to admit I have never been good at isms; all I saw and read was a tale of an architect and his lover hell bent on destroying each other.
Which kind of suits my destructive mood recently.
Fresh emerging from a long relationship, I find myself so used to certain things and conversely, so unused to others. Much of the things I assume, or take for granted, have been gently established and coaxed over the years by one man who is so peculiar that I’ve become peculiar myself. Go figure. And unravelling these assumptions is proving really hard; it entails going back 7 years and un-forming habits, or rewinding back to when I was 20 and impressionable.
Quite hard really.
So that’s one thing stopping me from embracing whatever and whoever’s in the present.
The other thing is this really annoying trait of mine which I never have been able to rid of: I’m awfully mean to guys who are nice, and awfully nice to guys who are mean. Again, go figure. I’ve been trying to figure that out myself since last night – to not much success. I hate my over-thinking mind. 😦
My current mood of discontent is mainly due to the fact that I had a really awesome vacation – in every way – with a guy who’s nothing but kind and sweet to me. Yet somewhere at the back of my mind, in a little recess reserved for objectivism, I registered that I was responding only with skepticism and pessimism; not exactly the kind of thing dreams are made of.
Meh. Gonna die alone at this rate.. chasing away all good men with my crazy self.