I feel curiously empty, unexpicably moody. I wanted my boy to hold me and whisper sweet everythings, but he was emotionally unavailable. I wanted to call my good boy back in Singapore, but I’m afraid his girlfriend will get hysterical. I’ve exhausted the family card, since I called my dad this morning. Chicks don’t commiserate well in misery, because us as a species are less tolerant of crap than guys are. So my life has boiled down to this: talking to the world wide web.
There were some good moments today. Like when I propped the iPad on his lap while he was playing FIFA 2012 and he asked me if I thought he was an iPad dock. That kept us cracked up for quite a while. The weather was good too; we picked up a lot of reading material at Dymocks and spent a leisurely afternoon reading Monocle with the windows open, fresh breeze filling the living room. We had the television turned to Discovery channel, in silent agreement that we needed to beef up our general knowledge.
But I interrupted his FIFA 2012 game while trying to ask what his size was (I was shopping online at A&F for him) and he snapped at me to go check myself. Which of course made me very miffed. And that made him feel very bad. But the congeniality was ruined, and the moodiness that lays deep in my belly was awakened. Are you angry, he asked. No, I reply. You’re scary, he continued, I’m intimidated by you.
Well, I guess that was the intended effect. Although I feel bad too, it’s probably the first time in these six months we’ve known each other that he’s seen me deviate from my happy persona. We had dinner together, then he went off to play mahjong. I wish he would stay, I crave his presence, but a otherworldly sort of wisdom told me to stop being stupid and say nothing.
In conjunction with the awakening of my moody gene, I sense the inherent restlessness in surfacing once again. Where is the drama, the adventure, the risk, the ecstatic ups, the manic downs? The outrageous surprises, the lavish trips, the grand gestures? I know I hated all of this, but now I’m just rolling in prudence and a very bleak assurance that our bank accounts are steadily accruing interest every day. I am just sitting here, rolling with the same people weekend after weekend, eating, getting fat.