Today while my way back from work.. to go home to work some more, I cried. I cried because I was exhausted,; I cried because I was frustrated from still not having completed my work despite the hours put in; and I cried because Charlene called, a familiar voice who understands the long hours. She was asking me out for dinner (she’s visiting from SG), but for obvious reasons I had to turn her down.
I needed someone to talk to, so I called my dad but he was having dinner. I called Deb but it was hard to explain my frustrations without whining and going into specifics. Because I’m not in a whiny mood, I’m in a seriously depressed state, and I need consolation. I MSNed SW but he wants to be in my position, so he couln’t console me. I MSNed Eug who told me that I should quit. He also pointed out that I now blog about nothing but work, and in sad, angry spurts.
I’m afraid. I’m motivated by challenges and money and learning, but I’m going crazy with the complete lack of balance in my life. I am one who loves life, and the one I lead now is a pale shadow of what life can be.
And the capping feather – my boss. Her mouth only knows negative feedback. Everything she says implies that if I don’t work harder than I do now (honestly I don’t know how that can happen), it means I’m lazy and undriven and therefore unworthy of her respect. So everyday I’m running around like a crazed rabbit, driving myself forward at the speed of light. Everyday, including weekends.
I’m crazed in everything I do – I grab things off the shelf at the supermarket without checking expiry dates (no luxury of time for that), I demand that the hair salon arrange for a mani/pedi-curist so I can accomplish 3 things at one sitting. I blew some serious cash on a wallet for Sebs in 5 minutes flat – because I knew I would have no time to ‘shop around’. It’s like I identify a block of time on either Saturday or Sunday when I can fulfill life’s other requirements and I diligently tick them off the list. I even have a block of time for ‘de-stress’, which is Saturday morning 1-6am at LKF.
My night starts late, for I end late.
And scarily enough, I’ve lost interest in clothes, in shoes, in restaurants, and even Banyan Tree is not psyching me up as much as it ordinarily would.
I’m afraid. Am I losing myself? The me I used to know would laugh her head off and stick her face into a horse’s ass before she cries… over work. Am I too stupid, too inefficient for the big league? I’m seriously starting to doubt myself and my confidence is at an all-time low.
Life, as it looks on my schedule, is not rosy at all. Results season is kicking off in 4 days. 11 companies reporting over the next 3 weeks, and we’re initiating on another 3 concurrently. I’m exhausted, the teary kind of exhausted. And I’ve just wasted 5min on this post. Time to shower and hit them SEC filings again.