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Burnout!

Today while my way back from work.. to go home to work some more, I cried. I cried because I was exhausted,; I cried because I was frustrated from still not having completed my work despite the hours put in; and I cried because Charlene called, a familiar voice who understands the long hours. She was asking me out for dinner (she’s visiting from SG), but for obvious reasons I had to turn her down.

I needed someone to talk to, so I called my dad but he was having dinner. I called Deb but it was hard to explain my frustrations without whining and going into specifics. Because I’m not in a whiny mood, I’m in a seriously depressed state, and I need consolation. I MSNed SW but he wants to be in my position, so he couln’t console me. I MSNed Eug who told me that I should quit. He also pointed out that I now blog about nothing but work, and in sad, angry spurts.

I’m afraid. I’m motivated by challenges and money and learning, but I’m going crazy with the complete lack of balance in my life. I am one who loves life, and the one I lead now is a pale shadow of what life can be.

And the capping feather – my boss. Her mouth only knows negative feedback. Everything she says implies that if I don’t work harder than I do now (honestly I don’t know how that can happen), it means I’m lazy and undriven and therefore unworthy of her respect. So everyday I’m running around like a crazed rabbit, driving myself forward at the speed of light. Everyday, including weekends.

I’m crazed in everything I do – I grab things off the shelf at the supermarket without checking expiry dates (no luxury of time for that), I demand that the hair salon arrange for a mani/pedi-curist so I can accomplish 3 things at one sitting. I blew some serious cash on a wallet for Sebs in 5 minutes flat – because I knew I would have no time to ‘shop around’. It’s like I identify a block of time on either Saturday or Sunday when I can fulfill life’s other requirements and I diligently tick them off the list. I even have a block of time for ‘de-stress’, which is Saturday morning 1-6am at LKF.

My night starts late, for I end late.

And scarily enough, I’ve lost interest in clothes, in shoes, in restaurants, and even Banyan Tree is not psyching me up as much as it ordinarily would.

I’m afraid. Am I losing myself? The me I used to know would laugh her head off and stick her face into a horse’s ass before she cries… over work. Am I too stupid, too inefficient for the big league? I’m seriously starting to doubt myself and my confidence is at an all-time low.

Life, as it looks on my schedule, is not rosy at all. Results season is kicking off in 4 days. 11 companies reporting over the next 3 weeks, and we’re initiating on another 3 concurrently. I’m exhausted, the teary kind of exhausted. And I’ve just wasted 5min on this post. Time to shower and hit them SEC filings again.

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11 thoughts on “Burnout!

  1. Y says:

    *hugs* i somewhat understand the crazed bit. i said somewhat because what i used to go through/am still going through is but a fraction of what u are experiencing now. during busy periods at work, i will be very quick tempered. everything (work and outside of work) has to be chop chop chop and go go go, no time to waste. i snap at anything that causes a delay in my life. even outside work, everything appears on a to-do list in my mind – bathe? checked. brush my teeth? checked. text bf? checked. closed the door? checked. drives me crazy but i can’t get myself outta that mode.

    hang in there as much as u can… u have fought hard enough to get this job. and one day when u really can’t take it anymore, at least u know u’ve tried ur best. and that u are meant to enjoy other (finer) things in life 🙂

  2. claire says:

    Hi, a loyal reader of yours.

    Love reading your blog and i think you are a strong person as you have the courage to go to somewhere foreign all alone and start your career. You earned my respect for that as i never be able to do that.

    Jiayou!!Jiayou!!

  3. *hugs back all*

    thank you so much girls 🙂 this is precisely why it was hard to close this blog down completely!

    i just met a friend for coffee.. feeling much better, so.. now AJA AJA FIGHTING FIGHTING FIGHTING x 10000000000000!!!!!!!!

  4. SW says:

    Think of it as running a marathon. No matter how good you are, there will come a certain point where you think that you should give up. But those who perserve wins.
    It really depends on how much do u want to become an analyst. Cos I think if u dun like it there, you won’t like it anywhere.

    But I think u can do well in many other fields. So I’m not asking you to kill urself. Just try ur best.

  5. dawn says:

    i know how you feel – lots of us go through it. So you’re not alone. At the end of the day, I guess you just have to prioritise and figure out if it is worth it. Things will get better.

  6. Persevere a leeeetle longer just so that you can have this on your resume, before you move on to things that matter more and keep you sane. But of course not too long before you lose your sanity and age much from all this stress!

  7. SY says:

    I once had a female unmarried boss in her late 40s. It was the pits, man – she mentally tortures everyone around her with her words and behaviour (calling us at night or during wkends even though the things could hv waited till next morning – honest to God!). Not surprisingly, I tahan-ed only 2 years. Turnover rate is super high – so wat if the pay’s good and brand name famous? My sanity and life is worth much more…I have no regrets joining for the experience AND no regrets leaving either. Tt’s what life is about. 🙂

    Take things one step at a time for now. Accept and believe that what you have done today is the best that you could have done – regardless of what the boss says.

    The Chinese saying that resting is to go further is very true. You WILL look back and say, “Hey, I was THAT strong, nothing will faze me now”! Go, girl! 🙂

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