Thank you so much for the comments. It’s very nice to know that despite my humdrum life and zero entertainment value , there are people who like reading what I write on this blog. I must admit that I am too very much attached to amandina*. Knowing I can connect with so many people with my words and thoughts only, is an incredible feeling; and I appreciate the fact that my readers are an amazing bunch of, thoughtful young women who always have a wise and encouraging word or two whenever I run into a problem.
Above and beyond everything else, what’s most irreplaceable and meaningful is the knowledge that I’ve gone through life for the past few years with a brigade of friends, known, unknown or otherwise. I’ve documented every up, down and detour – and you’ve been on this long, beautiful ride with me, throwing in a smattering of smart, silly, irreverent, wise comments along the way.
Of course, there are a few lurking in the background, waiting to pounce on anything thoughtless, self-absorbed or stupid things I write. Take the good and the bad, I say – for what it’s worth, at least I have a constant reminder that there can be people who don’t like you and/or are just waiting for you fuck up, and of course, remind you of the possibility that you may not be such a likeable person after all in the grand scheme of things. I call it a reality check.
So why the sudden idea of stopping this blogging thing altogether? Well, I’ve always thought about it, especially after a nasty flaming incident, or when I find out that my blog has become fodder for more than just a peaceful repository of thoughts.
Last year, one of my ex-colleagues circulated an email around the office documenting my transition from pre-nose job to post-nose job. I came to find out about it after a colleague from an overseas office emailed me to tell me. I really can’t think of another freely-available repository of before/after pictures other than my blog, can you? Someone must have been happily backtracking my entries until pre-2008. Don’t envy that person, sometimes I write up to 8 entries a day so that’s a lot of entries and months to backtrack.
And remember my Heartland post aka the most disastrous PR blooper ever? When I got to HK, one of my friends ribbed me about it and I’m like waitamin, did I tell you about it? And he’s like nope – I read it on hardware forum. Oh gee – I’m already terrified of Cozycot and now I have to be afraid of Hardware Forums too? One is filled with girls who have a lot of time to do nothing but dig out dirt on people and review clothes/beauty products, the other is filled with guys who have a lot of time to do nothing but dig out dirt on people and review gadgets. I say it like I see it, shrug.
My blog may be unrelatively-unread by famous-blogger terms, but if already this thrusts me into the limelight more than I am willing to digest, then it probably isn’t worth it. Plus I’m not even monetizing my blog, so there is really no gains (more traffic, more ad revenue) to be had from being scandalous or talked about.
Also, I’m the type who talks more about what I think, how I feel, what I perceive – rather than what I did, what I wore, what I ate and where I went. Strictly speaking in privacy terms, I’m in a more dangerous position! I’m divulging my inner self, sharing my innermost thoughts, essentially opening my entire self for judgment. I seriously have a lot more to lose than a girl who posts up pictures of what she wears everyday.
And then there’s S. He doesn’t know I blog even though Amandina is a nickname given to me by him. He would compleeetely freak out if he knew I’ve been discussing our relationship so openly so I think I should quit while I’m ahead.
Sorry while I’m on this, can I go slightly off topic for a sec? It stems from my observation of S and A vs. Cheryl and me while we were on our Phuket trip. Is it an Asian thing to maintain an overly active Facebook account with a profile picture history of at least 100 pictures, and of course a blog too, with as many pictures a day as possible? S and A were incredulous at how diligent we were at ‘Facebook maintenance’; to them, it just comes across as a lot of unnecessary hot airing and posturing, and a gross disrespect for personal privacy.
So back to topic. And then there’s the issue of content. Back in university, I had a million things I wanted to write about each day, and I would even tell them to Eug so that he could remind me at the end of the day what I wanted to write about. I read so much, my mind was popping with random snippets of information to share with my readers. I traveled, not vacationed. I came back with so much thoughts on a new place, a new culture – and I had time to dissect them and write pretty prose about each destination I’d been. (You should check out my blog before this one, it was grandiosely dreamy and I Thesaurused half of the words I wanted to use just to make things sound more.. pretty. )
These days I go to somewhere gorgeous, I take a few pictures (if I’m luckily) and I come back, upload a couple of pictures under a generic title called ‘Back!’ Then it’s post-vacation-and-back-to-real-life stress, and I disappear for a while. And when I next have time to write about my vacation, I no longer am inspired, or remember what inspired me. Maybe nothing did, since sand sea and salt is rejuvenating, not inspiring exactly – haha!
I guess the most telling signal that is starting to make me think that the time and purpose for this blog has come and gone, is how I’m actually ashamed of being a blogger. It’s a bit like how owning a blogshop has become passe and I hate saying the phrase, ‘I own a blogshop’. Similarly, these days whenever the topic of my blog surfaces in a conversation, I’d say things like ‘Oh, I stopped blogging.’ Maybe it’s because the people around me are all grown up now. They may have owned blogs before, but they definitely stopped writing in the past 2-3 years. Or maybe it’s because we’re all grown up now, that we’re starting to see the value of privacy. Or maybe it’s because I’m always around banking types – banking has traditionally been shrouded in secrecy and in contemporary times, lies. The most successful people are often the subtlest (probably leaves them with more room to maneuverer lies and deception) and there is absolutely nothing subtle about an over-active Facebook account or blog.
So it’s a combination of the above factors, and much as I hate to cut all 700-800 of you (and more, and counting) out of my life completely, I don’t know what else to do! Some friends suggested I make the blog private and restrict it to only people whom I know – but if I think about it, I can count the number of people I know personally on 4 hands! Who most of you are, I don’t know, so how can I make this blog private while still retaining your readership which I’ve grown accustomed to? I don’t know. And if I knew only 20 people were reading this, I think I’d be a lot less motivated to write at all. So I guess the best thing is to shut it down completely… your thoughts? 🙂
P.S. Ugh this is so gross, I actually enjoyed writing this post, rearranging the paragraphs to make it flow. Ugh, how to stop blogging.